what the hell (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
grim_b0nes) wrote2025-01-11 02:53 am
grim_b0nes) wrote2025-01-11 02:53 am
[what's the kindest way to say you took away my friend]
ugh i have a dry cough that fucking hurts. i'm 90% sure it's allergies because of the snowstorm, but i'm worried it's covid or something. idc it just sucks and i hate it. why does winter have to suck. summer sucks because it's too hot but winter sucks because i'm always SICK
today was pretty fucking terrible imo. yesterday i visited my aunt and uncle to eat breakfast along with my grandpa. we were there from like 10 to 4-5ish, definitely not planned, but i had fun! i really like those two. then, today, my grandpa took me to get breakfast. we didn't talk too much, but it was nice. what's better is that he took me to the dmv to get my state id. the process was fast cuz it was super dead, and now my id will be in the mail not long from now. FINALLY. now i can actually search for a fucking JOB.
here's the thing: when i wanted to find my birth certificate this morning, my dad got really mad at me because i was going through the office by myself. i thought i knew where it was, so i was just gonna look through a couple drawers, but he said he didn't like that and got really upset cuz it's kind of his space, and it's disorganized, so he just doesn't want anyone going through there. he was also mad cuz my little brother was being annoying and something about his game. i don't really care. it sucked. i don't want to think about it anymore.
my mom was also really frustrating today. she was acting like an absolute child at the grocery store, and i felt even more miserable. i had them drop me off before they went to a different store. ugh. UGH.
this whole day has felt like shit. it hasn't been the worst obviously, but the whole vibes have sucked. i suck. the most embarrassing thing is that i honestly almost had a relapse today... i haven't cut myself since september of 2023, and i honestly was going to do it. all that stopped me was eating my leftover food from this morning (i wasn't even that hungry, but it distracted me long enough to not make my impulsive decision). i just feel so weak for almost doing that. it's so hard to stop myself, especially when i'm upset. cutting was satisfying almost. i don't really know why i did it before. i don't even remember why i started, it just kind of happened. i guess i just wanted to know what it felt like, and i was depressed at 14 or whatever. that was just a slippery slope of cutting every so often all through my teens.
i miss doing it. i miss seeing it. i think the reason i really do it is because it's pain i caused. no one else can hurt me, only i can. i have control. i don't want it to be someone else, i want it to be myself. that's at least what i think it is. it's not like it feels good. i've heard that cutting can cause endorphins that make it feel good to you mentally, but i've never felt that. it just hurts, and i just regret doing it afterwards. it's a completely negative experience, a waste of time, and potential to getting infected even if i clean the wounds, but i did it because it was the only REAL way i could release the pain. i can only distract myself for so long, before the pain becomes too great. cutting was also a way i could look at myself and know that my pain is real, since none of it is physical and only emotional/mental. man.
oh yeah, and i tried out another dating app cuz it's been a while. deleted it like, immediately after finishing my profile. i don't know why i bother at all when i don't like the concept of them. yeaaaah that's all lol
(also i started thinking about my late cat miz, that's why the title is like that)
(also also i had to manually edit the time because i definitely finished this at 2 am on saturday, not on friday. i saw this today which is sunday and it made me have a small crisis like did i fuck up time that badly but no)
today was pretty fucking terrible imo. yesterday i visited my aunt and uncle to eat breakfast along with my grandpa. we were there from like 10 to 4-5ish, definitely not planned, but i had fun! i really like those two. then, today, my grandpa took me to get breakfast. we didn't talk too much, but it was nice. what's better is that he took me to the dmv to get my state id. the process was fast cuz it was super dead, and now my id will be in the mail not long from now. FINALLY. now i can actually search for a fucking JOB.
here's the thing: when i wanted to find my birth certificate this morning, my dad got really mad at me because i was going through the office by myself. i thought i knew where it was, so i was just gonna look through a couple drawers, but he said he didn't like that and got really upset cuz it's kind of his space, and it's disorganized, so he just doesn't want anyone going through there. he was also mad cuz my little brother was being annoying and something about his game. i don't really care. it sucked. i don't want to think about it anymore.
my mom was also really frustrating today. she was acting like an absolute child at the grocery store, and i felt even more miserable. i had them drop me off before they went to a different store. ugh. UGH.
this whole day has felt like shit. it hasn't been the worst obviously, but the whole vibes have sucked. i suck. the most embarrassing thing is that i honestly almost had a relapse today... i haven't cut myself since september of 2023, and i honestly was going to do it. all that stopped me was eating my leftover food from this morning (i wasn't even that hungry, but it distracted me long enough to not make my impulsive decision). i just feel so weak for almost doing that. it's so hard to stop myself, especially when i'm upset. cutting was satisfying almost. i don't really know why i did it before. i don't even remember why i started, it just kind of happened. i guess i just wanted to know what it felt like, and i was depressed at 14 or whatever. that was just a slippery slope of cutting every so often all through my teens.
i miss doing it. i miss seeing it. i think the reason i really do it is because it's pain i caused. no one else can hurt me, only i can. i have control. i don't want it to be someone else, i want it to be myself. that's at least what i think it is. it's not like it feels good. i've heard that cutting can cause endorphins that make it feel good to you mentally, but i've never felt that. it just hurts, and i just regret doing it afterwards. it's a completely negative experience, a waste of time, and potential to getting infected even if i clean the wounds, but i did it because it was the only REAL way i could release the pain. i can only distract myself for so long, before the pain becomes too great. cutting was also a way i could look at myself and know that my pain is real, since none of it is physical and only emotional/mental. man.
oh yeah, and i tried out another dating app cuz it's been a while. deleted it like, immediately after finishing my profile. i don't know why i bother at all when i don't like the concept of them. yeaaaah that's all lol
(also i started thinking about my late cat miz, that's why the title is like that)
(also also i had to manually edit the time because i definitely finished this at 2 am on saturday, not on friday. i saw this today which is sunday and it made me have a small crisis like did i fuck up time that badly but no)