what the hell

i actually have more to say.

i feel so disgusted with myself so much of the time, for so many reasons. i have always been very connected to the taboo, it's like an intrinsic part of me.

but when i try to show people the darker parts of myself, because i think they might be able to understand, they never understand it. i know that people like the things i like, but i don't have those people as my friends. in general it just feels like my friends don't UNDERSTAND anything about me, no matter how much i try to explain. even J. i tell him everything. but i know that he doesn't actually get it. he doesn't relate to me, and that's what i want, is people who don't need to TRY to understand.

i'm so afraid of letting the dark disgusting parts out, and then when i have the courage to try, because "fuck it, just do it", i'm reminded of why i'm afraid in the first place.

distract, distract, forget, remember, spiral, spiral, hate, hurt, hurt, hurt, distract, forget, forget, forget, forget, remember, forget, remember, hurt, hate hate hate hate hate.

i feel disgust with my behavior, how reactionary i am, i can't stop myself so much of the time. i just say or do things, and then feel terrible, but it just HAPPENS, and i'm not fast enough to STOP.

and disgust with my body. sometimes i can't stand to look at myself, because i hate who i'm looking at, or i can barely understand that it's ME. that there's a real person piloting this thing, that says things i can't control, and acts in ways i don't want to act.

i'm not trying to be cryptic. i don't know how else to format these feelings.

i don't recognize myself a lot of the time, i don't remember who myself is supposed to be usually, i forget how i'm supposed to act. or what i want, all the time, i never know what i'm wanting. and usually what i want is frustrating because i want so much all the time. it again disgusts me.

i want to vandalize this body i'm forced to be in. i just want to hurt myself, a little bit, because i think i really deserve it for everything that i do. everyone who likes me is lying to themselves. there is no reason to like me.

eyes. eyes. eyes. never go away.

they NEVER.

i'm going to smoke again. it's all i can do sometimes.

i've been pretty productive today. i set an appointment for monday to get my MMR vaccine. my county had its first case of measles since 2017, and since there's been a rise in measles i'm not risking it. i've never had a shot before, so this will be interesting. my parents were not happy, but i just ignored them. i don't know if they'll be taking me to the appointment, but i'll call grandpa to see if he can since it's during my dad working. i also have to get my transcripts, and i wanted to see if i can get them today, but my parents said we'd go tomorrow, even though that also goes against my dad's schedule. i wish i had my own car so this wasn't a problem.

i also went driving and shopping for a little while, we went to walmart and mernard's. little bro was acting up for a bunch of dumb reasons, and my mom was being kind of annoying, so that gave me a bit of a headache but i feel pretty fine now.

i got a hazelnut oatmilk shaken espresso and i kind of didn't like it but it tastes better after it's watered down. i think if i get it again i'll ask for more hazelnut because the flavor wasn't very strong, and i love hazelnut!! i want to taste the NUT. also got a spicy chicken taquito and pizza combos, haven't eaten the latter yet.

i haven't updated since before i went on my daytrip. the trip was... okay. i thought i would remember a lot more stuff, and feel all the nostalgic feelings, especially when i looked at my old houses and playgrounds, but i just felt like... like i was visiting some random town. i have many memories there, but i didn't really get all the feelings i thought i would. all of the playgrounds were completely redone, except for 2 which i didn't really like either of them as a kid. that kind of sucked. there was just nothing there that made me think, oh wow! this is that thing i saw or the place i lived.

we also visited the library. we would go there frequently as a kid, because i guess we didn't have internet sometimes, so i had to go there to do schoolwork as i was online schooled. when i first walked in, the entrance way before you entered the building smelled exactly like i remembered, and i looked forward to going inside. but it was just so... EMPTY. there were people, the amount of people wasn't the problem, but there was so much stuff missing. one half of the building was the kids and teen section, there used to be a circle table of desktops with colorful keyboards, but they were totally gone. in the corner, there were these little touch screen things for the kids, and probably other stuff i can't remember, but they were all gone! there was just 2 big blue bean bags and some normal chairs and whatever. i think there was more kids stuff in the lower level, but i didn't know if it would be weird for me to go, so i didn't, and maybe there was more kids stuff there but i don't know so what i saw was my impression, and it just made me feel bad. the teen section was much smaller, it was small when i was a kid but i swear it looked worse.

the other side of the building is more adult, and just walking around, i didn't recognize any of the furniture. the smell of the building was also different, i don't remember it but it just wasn't the same. i recognized the stools, and in the far corner was a single table with 2 chairs that i remember as a child. i sat there, after i'd walked around the building, and just kind of briefly pondered about something i don't really remember. there used to be dvd/blurays right by the entrance but those were gone. it just felt like there was so little. i don't know why, but that made me feel the worst.

we just kind of left the town after being there for a few hours, not eventful going or leaving. could have gone anywhere else. i did remember the cow smell that would go through the town every now and then. also it was hot that day so that was annoying. we went to an ice cream shop before we left and i guess the owners changed because i'm pretty sure the old owners were asian and now they're mexican, there was just 1 awkward mexican guy working, but i got some coconut ice cream and it was pretty good (too much for me though, and expensive for that and some chips...)
i was just disappointed i guess. we did go through my old neighborhoods which was neat, but i didn't really FEEL like i thought i would.

when i talked about it to my friends, i felt emotional when i brought up the library. i don't know WHY that bothered me the most. my favorite playground was completely changed, my old houses were the same but i didn't really care about them, but the library was what made me feel bad. i muted myself just to cry about it, i don't know why. we didn't visit the museum because it's not free for us since we don't live there, but i wanted to go. the other place i remember a lot is this trail that's a little out of the town, but i didn't walk on the trail because it's literally just a field with a couple things to read, however the signs at the beginning of the trail were damaged so that was weird. i didn't like visiting that because it just reminded me of a bad childhood memory. also, at the park there was a zoo (which is the only one in the town), and we couldn't visit because they're fixing it up! that's good but bad timing for us. the waterpark was also there, but since it's not waterpark season it was totally closed, not that i was expecting to go lol. we'd probably visit again just to go there, our city does technically have a waterpark, but i don't like it very much, and i want to see the old one because it's actually pretty cool that such a small town has a waterpark at all (i remember when we first moved there that we saw the construction). i guess the other place i remember is the gas station that's a little outside of town that we'd always go to when we'd go on a trip that was in that direction. i don't think i've seen that gas station anywhere else so i'm unsure if it's a chain or standalone. didn't feel much being in there either since i didn't really remember the place when i was inside.

overall, i almost wish i didn't go.

oh, in other news, my grandma called me? i didn't think she could, her phone has never been able to reach me all the way here. i actually had to call her back because i guess i just didn't notice it ring or it didn't ring, even though i was on it. she didn't have much to say or any updates aside from the dentist, but wanted me to visit. i told her i miss her and have wanted to visit, so hopefully i'll see my grandparents sometime again. i haven't been to their house in many years, it would hopefully feel nice... even if i don't really like my grandparents on my mom's side. my grandma just feels like all the bad parts of my mother. they would always argue when we'd sleepover, and over the years i just sort of felt more awkward with my grandma cuz it feels like she guilts me and it's hard to know what to say or talk about. ehhh

i'm pretty jittery from the coffee. i've left my friends hanging while writing this so i'm gonna go do that. and use the bathroom.

i went to the lake with my family today. everyone that was there was my parents & little brother, grandpa, other grandpa, 2 aunts + 1 uncle, 3 cousins + the one cousin's wife, and some family friend i don't know but have seen around for years. i ate half a ham sandwich and a couple small bags of chips, and water (a little bit of monster (guava flavor (they have that i guess))). it was hot but we had sunscreen, and i mostly sat in the shade and was only a little sweaty under my clothes. talked to my family, i talked a lot to my cousin's wife, she has a weirdly fucked up life apparently. she talks a lot, but i talked a bit too, wish i could have talked more. i don't really like talking to quiet people, i'm quiet myself, don't need more quiet people. i also don't like people who seem to easily talk about their childhood problems or mental illness, she actually reminds me of A lol. she's not bad though, i don't mind her, just wish i could have talked to my aunts more. or my cousin, he's cool, and he had a walker for some reason. i guess he had something go on, the last time i heard about him he was living in NYC with his girlfriend, but now he's here? i don't get the situation, i didn't ask why he had the walker because it felt rude.

overall i had a good time at the lake. took a shower when i got home despite taking one yesterday but i'm on my period and i wanted to wash off all the sunscreen and other dirtiness from being outside. oh yeah, we saw this spider with little green eyes (or maybe fangs it was hard to tell) a little fuzzy body and little yellow markings on its abdomen. i think it was a jumping spider. i held it a little, it crawled on my cousin's leg, i was surprised how half of them didn't seem to mind the spider (my cousin didn't want to accidentally crush it) i put it on a tree per my dad's instruction so the babies didn't run it over. i think there was a different spider too but i can't remember. i like spiders. there were wasps too but no one got stung so it was fine. my parents left early but i stayed until everyone went home, grandpa taking me back, i got 2 drinks and beef jerky on the way. then i ate pizza rolls for dinner cuz i didn't really eat at the lake. yeaaah. didn't vc with my friends tonight because i didn't feel like it and was immersed in internet drama.

i get so parasocial sometimes, i don't even realize i'm doing it like i imagine meeting or talking to youtubers or famous people. like that will never happen, but what if i did talk to them or something man? like what if??? i don't know if that's very parasocial actually.

i became emotional remembering some things about Family. i vented about it to my group chat but i don't know who will even read it. i don't have much else to write. i'm gonna use the bathroom. i have too much acne.

i met up with a friend from high school. i haven't seen them since july when i saw them and R. they don't go by their old name anymore, so i'll refer to them as A.

we met up at this bakery cafe whatever place that i found and got food and stuff, they bought everything for me out of their own generosity. we talled outside in the cold wet air for 2 hours, then we went to the mall that was nearby. we smoked a bit before going into the mall, i took 3 hits and they took 2. i wasn't planning on taking that many, but i thought it would be fine. well it was not fine.

i greened out. i was super, super high and could barely be attached to reality. it was so much. i felt way too vulnerable and felt like everyone was WATCHING. i didn't want to feel that way around my mom, little brother, and A. it made me very uncomfortable, i went into the car until i felt a little better, then we went all through the mall. i got some bracelets, a pair of pants, and exactly 3 incense. A bought more stuff for themself, also they bought everything for me because they like doing that. i was grateful, and i felt better and was having a good time. after a while they were mostly in their own little world and i was having a hard time talking because i didn't really want to. my parents took us home about when the place was closing. i wanted to go to the arcade but we just didn't :T

i was so high for so long, i just feel really tired right now, drained. but i'm fine. i just wish i didn't smoke that much, jeez.

i had a fun time, but next time i hang out with A i want a third party because it was lowkey awkward. i've never been close to A, we've never "clicked" very well. there's always a layer of awkwardness between us. they talk a lot and are very open about their feelings, i am too but it feels weird, and our humor doesn't sync very well. and they can get moody sometimes. i'd like to hang out with them and R next time we do something, but R is so busy and never answered my text even though i'm sure she saw it. she's just busy.

i think i'm going to apply for college this year. i'm so bored and getting a job has been so pointless, it's like no one looks at my applications. i don't know if it's me or what, i thought my application was good. but anyway, i'm gonna apply. i have to do SOMETHING. i miss learning, and meeting people, doing stuff, just being busy. i'm stuck in my room too long. i can't get a job so i guess i'll go to college so i'm not a total NEET like i am right now.

i'm gonna look at l4d2 mods and play l4d2 with my friends. it's saturday so J doesn't have work tomorrow :) oh and i've been playing cookie clicker

fuck everything. i hate everything. hate my family. hate my friends. hate myself. and i hate J's parents. fuck it all. i can't get a break no matter what. i can't find a job, i can't get away from my mom, i can't see my dad, i can't see J, i can't do anything. all i want is control, but i'm out of control in everything in my life.

fuck those stupid, control freak pieces of shit. istg it's abuse to do that to your son. revolting people. i HATE them. i won't forgive them. they forced me to feel this way. when i find happiness, they STEAL it from me, just like that woman in my house. hate hate hate hate hate. they sicken me. i'm full of so much rage, and it all comes out through tears, which makes me feel weak. they made me feel like this. and i won't forgive them for that.

i even had a dream about being in houston. it wasn't a great dream, but it's still a great way for my mind to torment me over things i can't do anything about. making me think about how it could come around and end up okay! but it won't.

just the perfect timing for my dad to have to work today. "they just called him in". it's the universe conspiring against me, wanting me to hurt myself. well you won, i want to do it so badly, i just can't. i lack the tools necessary. believe me i've TRIED before. i told J i wouldn't do it, and that's because in the moment i thought i wouldn't. but i'm so stressed, and so out of control. i want peace. i want to see my blood. but i can't, because once again the universe is against me. i can't even hurt myself.

maybe i can get another knife. maybe i could schedule a hangout with my grandpa and my aunt and uncle? he did buy me a knife once in the past. hopefully he can get me another one.

is this all for something? am i supposed to get a reward? is that what happens when you're close to rock bottom, it's because the universe wants to give you something great. i don't think so. i think this is just how life is, and it's only supposed to get worse. there is no reprieve. i know this sounds melodramatic to other people, but i don't really care what other people think about my situation. i don't have the worst life ever but i'm not stupid enough to say that i have it good. my life isn't very good, and a good chunk of it is out of my control.

i don't care what J wants. i want to cut myself. who cares how anyone feels about it? it's not their problem. it's their problem for caring about me at all.

i'm not going to use social media for the next month or so. i just broke that, but i started at like 2 or 3 pm, and i broke it just now cuz i wanted to check something. i'm actually gonna go log out of all of my stuff, i won't count that as breaking tho. wait lol i'm gonna change my tumblr blog real quick I'M NOT COUNTING THAT because i'm not reblogging or liking anything. i feel like this change will be better for me mentally.

i took a walk right after i make my decision. it was a long walk, i got a drink at the gas station, and i think it made me feel better. it made me feel melancholy too, but i think i needed that walk.

i'm gonna have to clean my room tomorrow. it's just disgusting, i'm sick of living in filth. problems of having mental illness ig. man i wish i could take daily showers, but i don't think my parents would let me.

i really want to make a youtube channel :T but i have no motivation or editing skills. i guess i should try it. speaking of that i should get a sky. i for some reason had the urge to work fast food while i was high.

i feel very slow right now. i'm tired. i wanna sleep. but now i have a little energy.

i played this game that J recommended called deadrails on roblox, it's fun. i used a country accent while we were playing, i had a good time, my friends think my accent is very accurate, which is funny because i sound more southern than all 3 of them despite all of them being from texas. we also played minecraft before that. i'm building a house. it's nice.

okay, i'm probably going to sleep. good niiight.

it's fucking valentine's day and i've never been so pissed. i'm jealous and sad. i've literally never cared about this holiday. i don't know what changed but it sucks. like, i really FEEL the loneliness, and it's like, crushing. i didn't realize i was such a jealous person until recently. i guess i get jealous easily and never really knew. not just about love, but just in general.

ugh i do not like the people in the gv discord server. i can't connect with them anymore, and they all seem so stiff to me. i don't feel welcome there, but i feel weird for leaving. i tried to before, but it felt wrong. and i don't want to lose all of my mutuals, but i also don't really care about it. everything feels dumb. i think i'm just being really sensitive, but i can't help being that way. i know i just need to chill out.

i just unfollowed a bunch of people on tumblr. most of them being inactive accounts. you never really think about all the stuff you follow that hasn't even updated in years. my room is so cold, i have a space heater on, but also i just turned my fan on. for balance, i guess.

i'm not so sad anymore, i'll either go to sleep or play the binding of isaac. i feel very tired from doing something so simple. i ate some cereal today, isn't that good? and i showered yesterday. i have to clean my room at some point, but i don't really want to do anything, and it's cold so that makes me want to move less. i had a job interview the other day that i don't want to think about, i don't want that job, and i'm gonna have to look for more jobs. yaaay. oh yeah. i also reset my animal crossing town YET AGAIN!!!! i did it because i didn't like that i made my name "creep", so i changed it to my actual name. i really like the new town layout, but i'm sad for losing my progress and villagers :[

we gotta make sacrifices, i suppose.

i need to buy plane ticket today, have to remember that. i'm gonna watch a kill count of outlast, and maybe find places to visit in houston. good bye <3

i was out with my family yesterday. it was pretty fun actually. we ate some old-school burger place, i got a chicken sandwich and mountain dew, it was good. it actually filled me up for most of the day. we walked around the mall, because my dad didn't want to walk outside because it was "too cold", it totally wasn't LOL. then we went to walmart. it sort of drained my social battery, so i was kind of bored later that night hanging out with J, because most of my energy was gone. also i ate two little burritos that night w/ cheese and sour cream. it wasn't very good to be honest, i don't really like the cheese my parents got. they've been going to aldi's way more because it's cheap, but it's also kind of a mixed bag. saving money is better nowadays.

the next achievement i need in tboi is to do 31 consecutive daily runs..... >_> i'm gonna try playing online isaac more, but it can be hard finding players. and those players can be kind of bad sometimes.

umm what else... i've been playing a lot of tf2. i've been pretty focused on it. OKAY idk what else to write so this is all ^_^

i don't want to talk about anything that happened today or anything that happened tomorrow.

i hate myself so much.

i just want to cut myself.

i tried to but i failed. the knife wasn't sharp enough.

i can't do anything right.

i can't say anything that's right.

no one can know what i tried to do.

i should have killed myself in august.

ugh i have a dry cough that fucking hurts. i'm 90% sure it's allergies because of the snowstorm, but i'm worried it's covid or something. idc it just sucks and i hate it. why does winter have to suck. summer sucks because it's too hot but winter sucks because i'm always SICK

today was pretty fucking terrible imo. yesterday i visited my aunt and uncle to eat breakfast along with my grandpa. we were there from like 10 to 4-5ish, definitely not planned, but i had fun! i really like those two. then, today, my grandpa took me to get breakfast. we didn't talk too much, but it was nice. what's better is that he took me to the dmv to get my state id. the process was fast cuz it was super dead, and now my id will be in the mail not long from now. FINALLY. now i can actually search for a fucking JOB.

here's the thing: when i wanted to find my birth certificate this morning, my dad got really mad at me because i was going through the office by myself. i thought i knew where it was, so i was just gonna look through a couple drawers, but he said he didn't like that and got really upset cuz it's kind of his space, and it's disorganized, so he just doesn't want anyone going through there. he was also mad cuz my little brother was being annoying and something about his game. i don't really care. it sucked. i don't want to think about it anymore.

my mom was also really frustrating today. she was acting like an absolute child at the grocery store, and i felt even more miserable. i had them drop me off before they went to a different store. ugh. UGH.

this whole day has felt like shit. it hasn't been the worst obviously, but the whole vibes have sucked. i suck. the most embarrassing thing is that i honestly almost had a relapse today... i haven't cut myself since september of 2023, and i honestly was going to do it. all that stopped me was eating my leftover food from this morning (i wasn't even that hungry, but it distracted me long enough to not make my impulsive decision). i just feel so weak for almost doing that. it's so hard to stop myself, especially when i'm upset. cutting was satisfying almost. i don't really know why i did it before. i don't even remember why i started, it just kind of happened. i guess i just wanted to know what it felt like, and i was depressed at 14 or whatever. that was just a slippery slope of cutting every so often all through my teens.

i miss doing it. i miss seeing it. i think the reason i really do it is because it's pain i caused. no one else can hurt me, only i can. i have control. i don't want it to be someone else, i want it to be myself. that's at least what i think it is. it's not like it feels good. i've heard that cutting can cause endorphins that make it feel good to you mentally, but i've never felt that. it just hurts, and i just regret doing it afterwards. it's a completely negative experience, a waste of time, and potential to getting infected even if i clean the wounds, but i did it because it was the only REAL way i could release the pain. i can only distract myself for so long, before the pain becomes too great. cutting was also a way i could look at myself and know that my pain is real, since none of it is physical and only emotional/mental. man.

oh yeah, and i tried out another dating app cuz it's been a while. deleted it like, immediately after finishing my profile. i don't know why i bother at all when i don't like the concept of them. yeaaaah that's all lol

(also i started thinking about my late cat miz, that's why the title is like that)

(also also i had to manually edit the time because i definitely finished this at 2 am on saturday, not on friday. i saw this today which is sunday and it made me have a small crisis like did i fuck up time that badly but no)