what the hell

i don't know why i keep trying to convince myself that i don't want to be a choir teacher.

i keep looking at different options, careers, thinking about something else. a different way, a way around or out. i don't know why i keep doing this. i don't even realize that it's what i'm doing. i love choir, i want to be a teacher, i want to teach choir, i feel happy imagining being one. and yet.

i'm going to do it, and you can't stop me, ME. fuck you, idiot.

been playing a lot of forsaken. roblox on my mind all the time. tumblr is potentially being taken down, hope that doesn't happen, i like my tumblr and have many dear things there. i'm exporting it currently. i think it's still exporting. i need to stop smoking so much weed. it's a problem. i promise i won't tomorrow. PROMISE! it seriously messes with my memory. i barely feel like i'm living in the real world, sometimes it's like i'm just going through the motions. now that i think about it, it's probably because it's almost 5 am and i'm getting a little craaazy. so maybe scratch that. i do have those problems kind of.

been reading happy sugar life, it's honestly kind of bad but i like it, it has a special place in me. sometimes i just want to read something that isn't very good and has problematic elements. sometimes it's fun. also reading berserk, it's not really my style but it's really well-known so i wanted to read it. i gotta clean my room before ants find my shit AhargahGRHGJhHGHHhHHH

hooonk shoooo hooonk shooo

i'm watching old memes, like late 2000s and early 2010s stuff. i am insane and obsessed. i need to be put down liek an animal.

my computer has been heating up much more often, and i don't really know why. it's pretty annoying. the keys are hot to touch ough ow ow (1 hit damage)

i left the above in my draft so now i'll finish it today (friday). i just realized the woman who sings a thousand miles is not asian. idk why i thought she was. but that is a white woman. i'm dumb.

i should read homestuck again. i'm gonna do that. i played tf2 a bit ago and was actually getting a lot of kills as spy. basically i'm the goat. ya

i ate some sonic today, which was a chili frito burrito and ocean water. YUMMERS! i was supposed to get a pretzel but my dad forgot :[ then i ate some crispy chicken tacos w/ rice and beans for dinner ^_^ i was supposed to take a shower but i didn't want to. i was pretty tired when i got home.

i'm watching markiplier play fnaf right now. currently he's playing fnaf 2 golden freddy mode. and i'm listening to a 2000s playlist, it's mostly playing 2010s songs which doesn't really fit. i'm gonna listen to something else.

yeah i also sent some job apps a day or two ago. that's basically it. i'm sooo tired///

pfppfppf i tried a new artsyle i think that i like. maybe it'll help me draw more frequently.

i ate breakfast today with my grandpa and aunt :3 my other aunt was supposed to be there (she was the reason we did it today instead of thursday) but she had conferences AND a funeral apparently

we ate at cracker barrel, which was pretty good, i haven't been there in a loooong time. i got cheesecake filled pancakes w/ some eggs and bacon. it was a little too much but i got it in the fridge for later OuO and i got an arnold palmer cuz i really like them all of a sudden. i blame getting one from that cafe i mentioned last time.

we were there for like an hour and a half but it felt like we barely got to talk :< still it was nice. i got some chocolate hello panda and a shirley temple. on the trip home i told my grandpa a little bit about how home has been. he seems pretty understanding on how stuff can be hard at home.

dinner was pretty good. i'm writing some stuff right now, might draw later? man i really want another arnold palmer...

 it's my final day of high school!!! wowww. so i made it. i just have to finish my final, which i'll finish next class, and then i'm just. done. then i need to get a job..... and then go to college. i won't think about that right now tho. i get to walk.... i'm gonna get my diploma. gonna eat dinner, then have a party :D

i won't see any of my teachers again. i got them some candy, like i did sophomore year. it's really been three years? public school has been hard at times, but i'm so glad i got to do this instead of homeschool. i met so many people. i won't miss the students here tho lol. but i will miss my teachers :(

i'll honestly just miss the building itself. when there aren't stinky teens in it, it has a nice smell to it. especially the art side. i just like the building. i wish i did more stuff. wish i was more athletic or had a better gpa. but that doesn't matter. I DID IT!!!! FUCK ALL OF YOU I DID IT

i'll update more after the ceremony.

 sometimes you just have to ride through the feelings and you'll probably make it out. not the same, but different. sometimes different works.

my computer hasn't been bluescreening, so i think it's because i've been letting my computer shut off at night. i really should take better care of my things.

oh yeah. my hyperfixation on my teacher was waned. maybe it's because i didn't go to school yesterday. i still love talking to him, but now i'm not like. delusional (misuse of that word i know). like seriously i don't know what was WRONG with me! for days!! if that shit happens again.... i don't know. whatever. whole week has been weird as shit. maybe it's some astrology bullshit. i don't fucking know, but i've been super weird lately.

i got a haircut and it's actually pretty nice. i feel better! confident, i think. i was also going to give blood today because they were hosting the blood drive at my school, but my hemoglobin was too low.... hm. i guess i need to raise my iron levels. hopefully i'm not anemic? i don't feel anemic.

okay well instead of crushing on my teacher (yeah i realized it wasn't platonic surprise surprise) i think i like my friend..... I. pretty sure i haven't named anyone I??? if i have then whatever. no one reads this shit anyway! i just wanna be extra careful i'm not doxxing myself too fucking hard. but yeah. I is really cute, and genuinely like the funniest person i know. funnier than J (sorry J ur still my bestie). i think it's a leo thing. i want to know him better. we've had the same class since august but we haven't hung out outside of school. also problem: R likes I, so i definitely can't make any moves unless they don't date or have a breakup or something. i'm not an asshole. even if i'm not super close to R, i still know her feelings towards him. i should at least let her shoot her damn shot!!! anyway, if they end up in a long relationship, i think i'll live. it's not like my feelings are consistent EVER.... APPARENTLY... jesus christ. i make myself so mad. i mean i probably wouldnt make moves anytime soon no matter what lmao.

i've had a lot of heartburn and it doesn't help i had taco bell for dinner. i'm probably gonna throw up tonight. choir practice was chill.

okay.............gonna try sleeping now. sleep has been weird for me. it's not friday yet but i'm just gonna label this as friday bc WHATEVER

 first day of winter breaaaaaaaaak yippee!!!!

i was really worried about my grades this year but i have NO f's at all. i'm happy with myself but also disappointed i didn't try harder. i'm going to try harder next semester.

my choir concert was last night and it went pretty good. when me and M went and did our duet we were pretty nervous and i did mess up some parts so it wasn't my best singing, and M sounded kind of off, and i was standing really weird, but the audience fucking loved it apparently they cheered for us the loudest. i had a fun time no matter what. and we ate ihop afterwards i got a cinnamon bun crepe. i had the biggest headache and my throat was super dry, i feel better now but my allergies are still not great. it didn't bother me too much during the concert at least.

i reset my journal colors because it was doing too much. i don't like thinking of myself from an outside perspective. i like seeing myself through my own eyes because i don't like how people interpret me. i need a haircut.

eh i don't think there's much else to say right now. i might play more tboi

 why do i try so hard. i want things so bad that i'll do anything. i'll do anything for someone. why can't someone do that for me. i don't care if it's selfish, maybe i'm just a selfish person. i don't care. i want someone to need me. not just want me around, but need me. i just look clingy. i'm desperate. why can't someone else be desperate for me. why am i not special enough. am i not good enough. am i not the one you want. i don't know what i'm doing wrong. i don't know why i'm never enough. it feels like i'm always so close. i'm so close to something but i can't REACH IT. everytime it's just taken away. because i'm not allowed to BE HAPPY.

who cares if i'm dramatic. i don't care. i don't care about anything. i don't want to know the reasons why. i don't want to change. i just want someone to understand. i want to be wanted. i've never been wanted. no one really wants me around, i'm just entertainment. people get sick of me eventually. it's just reality. it's plain reality. no one wants me. no one ever has.

i wish i had my razor back.

 gonna play minecraft with my frieeeends tonight. i got J invested in the onibi series cuz i'm craaaazy. was up really late last night because of that. riverfest is today i'm not really excited.
my minecraft skin looks cool :3 i'll try to show a picture but dreamwidth is weird with images

i call it gunky
(pretend i'm still writing this on friday) i went to riverfest last night, it was okaaay but pretty boring especially since i can't buy alcohol. my mom bought me a truly but i was too tired to drink most of it.
i just unlocked greedier in tboi :)))) OKAY I'M GONNA PUBLISH THIS BECAUSE I FORGOT TO 2 DAYS AGO

 i'm super tired from work. we had a bunch of cops come because some guy tried breaking in i guess. they got him but it was pretty concerning lol. my back hurts pretty bad. stole my boyfriends hoodie cuz he left it at work. he got panicked from the police but i made him feel a bit better. i'm kind of sick so i don't feel well. i have work tomorrow also so that's gonna feel great. wish i could just work endlessly and not feel tired or in pain. i'm so wimpy istfg. freak is doing good, she's sitting on my arm. we had metal detectors installed at school so that's neat. also a massive fight happened and the principal got knocked around a bit. we went on lockdown for 7th hour bc of that, had to leave lunch early. fuckin dumb kids. been playing tboi but it was really laggy tonight for some reason. gonna sleep now.

this is all personal ramblings. neat that you even found this. if you know me you're probably mentioned (with an alias) at some point, sorry. hopefully no information that can dox me.