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i've been VERY sick this week. i think i've had covid. i've been feeling better, but now my cough is back. it's not as bad as it was before, but still annoying, and it's hard to take a full breath. i have to yawn to force one. it's just like when i was a kid! but this sickness was just AWFUL. like seriously the worst. my last entry was before shit hit the fan. i was so fatigued and weak, it has just been agony. i really hope i haven't gotten anyone else sick, and i pray i don't get sick again in quick succession. like at least give me a month or two before i become devastated with illness again. i don't really care if i have to suffer though, i'm mostly concerned for my animals and my family, namely my little brother. i don't actually know if i had covid because we don't have any little test things (i did order some because they were completely free) but if it was covid then i just hope it doesn't cause long term effects on any of my family.
i was so upset the other day about potentially having covid that i prayed to god. like honestly, i think i'm turning to real christianity. or at least, i was because i felt actual despair, not just because of what i said before. i can't really say if i would devote myself to god. i've never been a spiritual person. i tend to turn to god in some way when i feel hopeless, and then i kind of forget about doing all of the godly things. i'm not sure god would like that if he existed.
but i felt so hopeless not just because i was so sick, but because this month has just been pretty shitty. my mom has been a nightmare. just on and off on her bullshit. i don't understand what her problem is. she got mad at me for leaving my room at one point, but i did that because i thought she'd be annoyed if i asked her to get me something, because let's be real, and she got mad because i could've gotten everyone sick. and i said if she's worried about getting people sick, maybe she should wash her hands after using the bathroom, because just DOESN'T DO THAT. i seriously don't know what the fuck is wrong with her, but she just hasn't been doing it! like, how difficult is it??? 20 seconds, it's 20 seconds!!! is that so hard? she is so pathetic. she didn't even have anything to say about it. makes me so mad, i tell her over and over, but she has the audacity to get mad at ME. 41 and can't wash her god damn hands. absolutely disgusting person. she just does so many gross things, she sickens me.
i actually had a nightmare with her in it the other day. i won't describe it all, but she basically threatened me with a knife, and then threw the knife at me (more like tossed it, but with the intention to still hit me). then my dad came home and i explained it to him, and apparently this had happened at least 3 other times before, but potentially 6 times. my dad was listening, but my mom was just denying it and acting like it wasn't a big deal. i also caught a glimpse of her room, and i won't say what i saw, it was just revolting to me. the end of the dream, i went into my brother's room (the older one, he was younger in my dream) and just kind of silently screamed in anger. that nightmare wasn't one of the worst ones i've had of my mother, i wasn't even upset when i woke up, i kind of just felt like "of course she'd pull some dumb shit like that", i think it's just because i'm so used to her doing it literally every day in my real life. and in this dream she didn't try to hurt me like in the other dreams. well, she did, but it still didn't have an effect on me because it just wasn't presented as scary enough in the dream, if that makes sense.
i made vent art that same day in relation to that. it was mostly inspired by the dream, and less because i was actually upset in the moment. i showed that vent art in a discord vent chat, a server i used to be much more active in, and this is like the second time that i've vented about something, got EXACTLY one response, before one specific person babbled about their own shit. wow so that channel is actually totally useless, i got it! guess i'll just bombard my actual friends with my negativity all the ffffucking time instead.
i think that's all. i'm still getting better, and i pray that i stay well for now at least. i'm gonna read a texas toast fic.
i was so upset the other day about potentially having covid that i prayed to god. like honestly, i think i'm turning to real christianity. or at least, i was because i felt actual despair, not just because of what i said before. i can't really say if i would devote myself to god. i've never been a spiritual person. i tend to turn to god in some way when i feel hopeless, and then i kind of forget about doing all of the godly things. i'm not sure god would like that if he existed.
but i felt so hopeless not just because i was so sick, but because this month has just been pretty shitty. my mom has been a nightmare. just on and off on her bullshit. i don't understand what her problem is. she got mad at me for leaving my room at one point, but i did that because i thought she'd be annoyed if i asked her to get me something, because let's be real, and she got mad because i could've gotten everyone sick. and i said if she's worried about getting people sick, maybe she should wash her hands after using the bathroom, because just DOESN'T DO THAT. i seriously don't know what the fuck is wrong with her, but she just hasn't been doing it! like, how difficult is it??? 20 seconds, it's 20 seconds!!! is that so hard? she is so pathetic. she didn't even have anything to say about it. makes me so mad, i tell her over and over, but she has the audacity to get mad at ME. 41 and can't wash her god damn hands. absolutely disgusting person. she just does so many gross things, she sickens me.
i actually had a nightmare with her in it the other day. i won't describe it all, but she basically threatened me with a knife, and then threw the knife at me (more like tossed it, but with the intention to still hit me). then my dad came home and i explained it to him, and apparently this had happened at least 3 other times before, but potentially 6 times. my dad was listening, but my mom was just denying it and acting like it wasn't a big deal. i also caught a glimpse of her room, and i won't say what i saw, it was just revolting to me. the end of the dream, i went into my brother's room (the older one, he was younger in my dream) and just kind of silently screamed in anger. that nightmare wasn't one of the worst ones i've had of my mother, i wasn't even upset when i woke up, i kind of just felt like "of course she'd pull some dumb shit like that", i think it's just because i'm so used to her doing it literally every day in my real life. and in this dream she didn't try to hurt me like in the other dreams. well, she did, but it still didn't have an effect on me because it just wasn't presented as scary enough in the dream, if that makes sense.
i made vent art that same day in relation to that. it was mostly inspired by the dream, and less because i was actually upset in the moment. i showed that vent art in a discord vent chat, a server i used to be much more active in, and this is like the second time that i've vented about something, got EXACTLY one response, before one specific person babbled about their own shit. wow so that channel is actually totally useless, i got it! guess i'll just bombard my actual friends with my negativity all the ffffucking time instead.
i think that's all. i'm still getting better, and i pray that i stay well for now at least. i'm gonna read a texas toast fic.
