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i feel pulled in a lot of directions and can't feel satisfied with any conclusions i come to. i feel like i have no idea what i'm going to do with my future because i have so many ideas about what i want to do, how those things will impact my future, how can i make actual money. just a lot of things related to that stuff. i feel like i have to figure out everything right now or my window will close, and my opportunities will vanish. i just don't know what i want to do, and the things i want to do aren't sustainable or are so open-ended.
i just want a solid answer but i know i can't have that. i want to do so many things, but i lack the abilities and am just a general failure. i really just wanna hit my head against a wall.
i'm sort of avoiding my friends, well i have talked to J a bit but generally avoiding everyone. i don't even really know why, i could probably figure it out but i don't care.
i smoke weed so much, i feel like i'm barely present for stuff now, and my memories are getting worse. but i can't stop, it feels so good. i wish i could turn it off and on.
sometimes i want to sink away and never be noticed again, but i want people to pay attention to me all the time. i'm always thinking about the eyes, wanting people to think about me, feel bad for me, pity me, take care of me. but sometimes i feel so disgusting, and i feel repulsed by this body and my mind, my mind more often actually. and i want to crawl away somewhere and never be seen again. i'm imagining sinking in a river, that's what i want to do, just to be away. and no one notices, and i don't think about being noticed anymore. i have to emphasis, i think about it all the time. of someone, a family member or a friend or a completely random person, who is watching me and feels bad for me, they don't do anything to help me, they just know i'm in pain, they UNDERSTAND everything about me, and i never have to tell them. but i also hate the idea of someone knowing everything about me, but then i spill all of myself out when it feels like i'm supposed to, and i regret it. i hate that they know the deepest parts of me, but i can't stop telling them. i just want to run away from everyone.
i don't even understand what i'm saying anymore, it feels like i can't think thoughts correctly like i used to.
positive note: i've been obsessing over lawrence oleander basically all day.
i just want a solid answer but i know i can't have that. i want to do so many things, but i lack the abilities and am just a general failure. i really just wanna hit my head against a wall.
i'm sort of avoiding my friends, well i have talked to J a bit but generally avoiding everyone. i don't even really know why, i could probably figure it out but i don't care.
i smoke weed so much, i feel like i'm barely present for stuff now, and my memories are getting worse. but i can't stop, it feels so good. i wish i could turn it off and on.
sometimes i want to sink away and never be noticed again, but i want people to pay attention to me all the time. i'm always thinking about the eyes, wanting people to think about me, feel bad for me, pity me, take care of me. but sometimes i feel so disgusting, and i feel repulsed by this body and my mind, my mind more often actually. and i want to crawl away somewhere and never be seen again. i'm imagining sinking in a river, that's what i want to do, just to be away. and no one notices, and i don't think about being noticed anymore. i have to emphasis, i think about it all the time. of someone, a family member or a friend or a completely random person, who is watching me and feels bad for me, they don't do anything to help me, they just know i'm in pain, they UNDERSTAND everything about me, and i never have to tell them. but i also hate the idea of someone knowing everything about me, but then i spill all of myself out when it feels like i'm supposed to, and i regret it. i hate that they know the deepest parts of me, but i can't stop telling them. i just want to run away from everyone.
i don't even understand what i'm saying anymore, it feels like i can't think thoughts correctly like i used to.
positive note: i've been obsessing over lawrence oleander basically all day.
