what the hell (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
grim_b0nes) wrote2025-03-16 03:00 pm
grim_b0nes) wrote2025-03-16 03:00 pm
[a little bit comes bleeding through]
fuck everything. i hate everything. hate my family. hate my friends. hate myself. and i hate J's parents. fuck it all. i can't get a break no matter what. i can't find a job, i can't get away from my mom, i can't see my dad, i can't see J, i can't do anything. all i want is control, but i'm out of control in everything in my life.
fuck those stupid, control freak pieces of shit. istg it's abuse to do that to your son. revolting people. i HATE them. i won't forgive them. they forced me to feel this way. when i find happiness, they STEAL it from me, just like that woman in my house. hate hate hate hate hate. they sicken me. i'm full of so much rage, and it all comes out through tears, which makes me feel weak. they made me feel like this. and i won't forgive them for that.
i even had a dream about being in houston. it wasn't a great dream, but it's still a great way for my mind to torment me over things i can't do anything about. making me think about how it could come around and end up okay! but it won't.
just the perfect timing for my dad to have to work today. "they just called him in". it's the universe conspiring against me, wanting me to hurt myself. well you won, i want to do it so badly, i just can't. i lack the tools necessary. believe me i've TRIED before. i told J i wouldn't do it, and that's because in the moment i thought i wouldn't. but i'm so stressed, and so out of control. i want peace. i want to see my blood. but i can't, because once again the universe is against me. i can't even hurt myself.
maybe i can get another knife. maybe i could schedule a hangout with my grandpa and my aunt and uncle? he did buy me a knife once in the past. hopefully he can get me another one.
is this all for something? am i supposed to get a reward? is that what happens when you're close to rock bottom, it's because the universe wants to give you something great. i don't think so. i think this is just how life is, and it's only supposed to get worse. there is no reprieve. i know this sounds melodramatic to other people, but i don't really care what other people think about my situation. i don't have the worst life ever but i'm not stupid enough to say that i have it good. my life isn't very good, and a good chunk of it is out of my control.
i don't care what J wants. i want to cut myself. who cares how anyone feels about it? it's not their problem. it's their problem for caring about me at all.
fuck those stupid, control freak pieces of shit. istg it's abuse to do that to your son. revolting people. i HATE them. i won't forgive them. they forced me to feel this way. when i find happiness, they STEAL it from me, just like that woman in my house. hate hate hate hate hate. they sicken me. i'm full of so much rage, and it all comes out through tears, which makes me feel weak. they made me feel like this. and i won't forgive them for that.
i even had a dream about being in houston. it wasn't a great dream, but it's still a great way for my mind to torment me over things i can't do anything about. making me think about how it could come around and end up okay! but it won't.
just the perfect timing for my dad to have to work today. "they just called him in". it's the universe conspiring against me, wanting me to hurt myself. well you won, i want to do it so badly, i just can't. i lack the tools necessary. believe me i've TRIED before. i told J i wouldn't do it, and that's because in the moment i thought i wouldn't. but i'm so stressed, and so out of control. i want peace. i want to see my blood. but i can't, because once again the universe is against me. i can't even hurt myself.
maybe i can get another knife. maybe i could schedule a hangout with my grandpa and my aunt and uncle? he did buy me a knife once in the past. hopefully he can get me another one.
is this all for something? am i supposed to get a reward? is that what happens when you're close to rock bottom, it's because the universe wants to give you something great. i don't think so. i think this is just how life is, and it's only supposed to get worse. there is no reprieve. i know this sounds melodramatic to other people, but i don't really care what other people think about my situation. i don't have the worst life ever but i'm not stupid enough to say that i have it good. my life isn't very good, and a good chunk of it is out of my control.
i don't care what J wants. i want to cut myself. who cares how anyone feels about it? it's not their problem. it's their problem for caring about me at all.