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i'm so pissed off right now, i was drawing for like 30 minutes and for some reason i closed without saving without even realizing. it wasn't like insane art or something but i thought it looked kinda cute and i can't recover it for some fucking reason. i don't know what version of sai 2 i have but i swear it's fucked up. i'm seeeeething. i don't even remember what i was gonna talk about.
i kinda want to try going to church idk. it's hard to do that cuz it's early on sundays, and down town. this song i'm listening to reminded me of old gmod venturiantale, apparently there was some bad stuff going on there.
7-31: okay i didn't realize i left this here. i'll just pretend it's a sunday lol. J said he can't go on the trip and i cut myself. i cried for a whole hour, like really hard crying, and then i watched tiktok to feel better. i do feel better but now i'm sad again. maybe i'll listen to music. i'm trying not to spiral or fantasize about it all working out. i need to face reality. it's just so hard and i'm crying again. i like J so much, i really REALLY wanted this i wanted it since APRIL. it's not fair at all and i haven't felt this hurt in so long. i shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. i don't think he'd ever like me anyway. and aside from that i just wanted to spend time with him. i love him even as just a friend. i have to have hope for the future. i can try again next year if this really doesn't work out, he'll be an adult so he won't require parental consent. i hope we're still friends in a year and i hope i'll have enough money. i hate myself. i want to hurt myself again. this is the worst. i wish i could just get what i wanted but i think god is mad at me. i'm going to listen to music, goodnight.
i kinda want to try going to church idk. it's hard to do that cuz it's early on sundays, and down town. this song i'm listening to reminded me of old gmod venturiantale, apparently there was some bad stuff going on there.
7-31: okay i didn't realize i left this here. i'll just pretend it's a sunday lol. J said he can't go on the trip and i cut myself. i cried for a whole hour, like really hard crying, and then i watched tiktok to feel better. i do feel better but now i'm sad again. maybe i'll listen to music. i'm trying not to spiral or fantasize about it all working out. i need to face reality. it's just so hard and i'm crying again. i like J so much, i really REALLY wanted this i wanted it since APRIL. it's not fair at all and i haven't felt this hurt in so long. i shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. i don't think he'd ever like me anyway. and aside from that i just wanted to spend time with him. i love him even as just a friend. i have to have hope for the future. i can try again next year if this really doesn't work out, he'll be an adult so he won't require parental consent. i hope we're still friends in a year and i hope i'll have enough money. i hate myself. i want to hurt myself again. this is the worst. i wish i could just get what i wanted but i think god is mad at me. i'm going to listen to music, goodnight.
