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i haven't written for all of august. just gonna do a little venting and stuff since not much has been going on.
my mom is always yelling at my brother. it's like she's always just in a bad mood, and makes me feel like shit even if she's not talking to me. and when she does talk to me, sometimes she's fine, or sometimes she'll be moody and just say rude things for no reason. like get mad at me for having the light on in the kitchen when i'm trying to get some food, even tho she chooses to sleep on the couch.
whenever she yells, it triggers me a bit and puts me on edge. weeks ago, i had a nightmare where my mom was yelling and threatening me, and when i woke up my mom tried talking to me and i had to leave the room because i felt terrible, and i cried a little alone. she would probably feel bad if she knew that, but would she do anything to stop the feelings? no. why would she. but yeah, i usually stay in my room and do nothing but stay on my computer and sleep. i don't clean, barely shower or brush my teeth, or change my clothes, and i don't have a job. if i killed myself i don't think anything would happen. especially since the future is so uncertain. i'm just depressing myself because i've been awake since 5 am, but it's hard to fall asleep especially when i feel on edge.
i wish i had any motivation or energy to do anything. it's like for EVERYONE else it's so easy to just get things done, but when i want to be clean or change things in my life, it's like i'm being strapped to a table and dissected. everything just sucks. i hate myself.
we're gonna go see the mother mother concert 1 month from today, and then in october go to world's of fun. yay. i'm excited, but i don't deserve it in the first place, so i have no reason to be happy about it. i'm just leeching off of my family, using their funds to have a good time. how can i be such a complete waste of space?
sometimes i wish i could cut myself again so i could stop feeling upset. i'm not suicidal, it just makes me feel better. i miss bleeding.
i have a headache.
my mom is always yelling at my brother. it's like she's always just in a bad mood, and makes me feel like shit even if she's not talking to me. and when she does talk to me, sometimes she's fine, or sometimes she'll be moody and just say rude things for no reason. like get mad at me for having the light on in the kitchen when i'm trying to get some food, even tho she chooses to sleep on the couch.
whenever she yells, it triggers me a bit and puts me on edge. weeks ago, i had a nightmare where my mom was yelling and threatening me, and when i woke up my mom tried talking to me and i had to leave the room because i felt terrible, and i cried a little alone. she would probably feel bad if she knew that, but would she do anything to stop the feelings? no. why would she. but yeah, i usually stay in my room and do nothing but stay on my computer and sleep. i don't clean, barely shower or brush my teeth, or change my clothes, and i don't have a job. if i killed myself i don't think anything would happen. especially since the future is so uncertain. i'm just depressing myself because i've been awake since 5 am, but it's hard to fall asleep especially when i feel on edge.
i wish i had any motivation or energy to do anything. it's like for EVERYONE else it's so easy to just get things done, but when i want to be clean or change things in my life, it's like i'm being strapped to a table and dissected. everything just sucks. i hate myself.
we're gonna go see the mother mother concert 1 month from today, and then in october go to world's of fun. yay. i'm excited, but i don't deserve it in the first place, so i have no reason to be happy about it. i'm just leeching off of my family, using their funds to have a good time. how can i be such a complete waste of space?
sometimes i wish i could cut myself again so i could stop feeling upset. i'm not suicidal, it just makes me feel better. i miss bleeding.
i have a headache.
