[when you're miserable you need someone more miserable than yourself]

i went to see J irl a week ago, and i'm going to write about it eventually, but i'm still tired and don't really want to yet. i will at SOME point.

my mom has been stretching me completely thin. i feel like i'm at my breaking point, and like i'm going to snap at some point. i attempted self harm today, i guess i sort of succeeded. i was pacing for a while in my living room and kitchen, trying to figure out how to hurt myself, or if i could find a way to hurt my mom, but every idea was a dead end. i was able to sort of drive a knife through my wrist, but only very surface-level scratches, no blood. i kept doing that until i gave up. eventually i kind of kept biting my skin until it noticeably hurt. i think the bites will bruise. i wasn't trying to break skin with that, since i'm not a total idiot and wouldn't try getting saliva into my wounds. i kind of kept biting until i felt like i did enough.

all of that somewhat satisfied me, but i still want blood. looking at the scratches over my wrist made me pleased, almost nostalgic i suppose. i only cut on my arm once a long time ago, and i still see the faint scars. i only cut on my legs, but i didn't care, it won't scar anyway so it doesn't matter. i did almost break the skin with the knife, so my wrist does have a couple small marks, as if i got a cat scratch.

i also stabbed a cereal box with the same knife just to get a little bit more stuff out. stabbed it a couple more times, semi-imagining my mother, and i left it on the countertop, knife stuck in box, because i wanted to feel like i had something, in some way, i guess.

i'm very tired, i had to take 4 shots, well i did choose to get the others but it's just easier to get the free ones today, then i have to get the other ones i've missed (because of my anti-vaxx parents) months from now and i'll use insurance for that stuff. don't know how much it'll cost. this whole extra bullshit was just because my mom took me to get the shots.

i hate her so much. i still want to hurt her. it's really hard for someone with low impulse control, such as myself, to stop myself from hurting someone like HER. she deserves pain, very badly. i want to hurt her, i want to see her hurt. not in a COMPLETELY sadistic way; a part of me doesn't want to see that or hear her in pain because i have high empathy. i literally can't help but feel bad when others feel bad, so that kind of stops me from saying anything too nasty to her, and somewhat stops me from physically attacking her. that, and i don't want to go to jail or something, and i know that if i ever hurt her she'd probably NEVER let it go. i mean, i wouldn't either, it's just that she deserves it so much that i'd hate to hear her complain about it forever.

i could keep going, but i'm just gonna smoke some weed, and i'll probably tell my dad about everything later. i'll probably tell him i tried hurting myself because of how bad she is. it doesn't help i'm on my period, that thing only makes me act worse. can't really do anything about the hormones, and the emotions. they just TAKE OVER in a way i can't describe. it's like sometimes i'll snap and just do something so suddenly, i didn't think about it at all. i punched my fan very hard early today, my hand doesn't hurt and the piece that fell off went back on, but it's just the fact that i did that. it's just weird, how my body will just do or say things so suddenly sometimes because i'm full of rage. it's like it's seeping out of me, all of the hate and negativity, and it spreads onto everything, and ruins everything i have. i want to feel like i'm above it, that i can control it, or logic my way around it, but i just can't. nothing positive makes it better, the only thing that makes me feel better is getting even. i guess hurting myself is getting "even".

eventually, when i can calm down and forget about it, i can positively distract myself. but some days, i can only be self-destructive, it's all that i want. nothing else feels like it matters, everything just falls apart, and it's like hurting myself is the only way i can pull it all back together. i can stop feeling so intensely, i enjoy seeing the blood, and feel content knowing that i caused the pain. then i can just put it in the back of my mind, until i feel shame about it.

i wish the positive shit made me feel better, but it doesn't. i don't even want to feel better, i just want to cut myself.