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i have to work on a big assignment that's due WEDNESDAY. i haven't started on it AT ALL. fuck me. i'm trying to do it right now. TRYING. i'm not going to school tomorrow. i don't care what anyone says. this is all i'm going to be doing for the next 48 hours.
oh and today was horrible. just fucking horrible. in so many ways.
this morning my parents had arguments and whatever because my mom is a bitch blah blah and my dad reacts to all of it blaaaah blah blah. i wanted to study at a coffee shop because idk i work better away from home. before they drop me off i say something offhandedly about shooting myself because my mom was really getting on my nerves. and i said something regrettable about her friend who shot himself. and then my dad said that i clearly want help and whatever and i should tell them about what i need help with. BECAUSE OF COURSE I WOULD TELL THEM ABOUT WHY I DON'T WANT TO BE ALIVE. how do i explain to them that i'm probably so mentally unstable BECAUSE of them. like maybe if i grew up in a better environment i wouldn't want to jump off of a bridge every time something bad happens. i didn't want to talk about it to them for mostly that. it's not like i'm actually going to kill myself. it's going to take a lot more to do that. but i feel like god is really pushing me and wants me to do it really bad. i might as well at this point. nothing matters. do i actually believe that?
when they dropped me off i quickly realized i didn't have my phone with me. so i couldn't call them. or anyone. because i didn't know their phone numbers or ANYONE'S phone number, so i was completely FUCKED. i walked for an hour in the cold rain, hoping i'd figure out the direction of my house in a few hours. well that didn't work. on the walk i bought a gatorade, and later went to a quicktrip and bought a ham & cheese wrap and some trail mix that i didn't eat because i couldn't open the package (waste of money). eventually i found a mcdonald's and gave up because i had no idea where i was. i hoped to use the wifi to maybe contact my parents on facebook, but the internet wasn't working and i didn't want to keep walking to eventually find a place with wifi.... i should have just stayed at that fucking cafe in the first place. anyway. i called 911 using the mcdonald's phone, and when i explained what happened i immediately started crying to the woman on the other line. some cops came and dropped me off at my house. my parents were coming home soon, how convenient. the cops told them what happened and everything, they were nice about the whole thing but i felt bad for wasting their time. my parents hugged me when they came inside. i felt miserable in every way. i'm okay now. my feet kind of hurt.
yeah so. that was my incredibly shitty day. i mean why would god have that happen to me if i didn't deserve it? i clearly deserve to have shitty things happen to me. and if that's what needs to happen then. whatever. i guess i'll suffer. man i want to cut myself again. it's the only way i feel relief. i feel like such a sack of shit. what happened today wasn't enough. god needs to do something worse. i really need it. i need something to mentally tear me to shreds so i have a GOOD reason to kill myself.
i'm listening to animal crossing. 8 pm. because it's 8 pm. i have the gaster ukagaka out just cuz. i don't know if i'm going to get this done. maybe my teacher will understand how shitty i am. maybe she'll realize i'm not good at anything and realize she hates me because everyone should hate me. because i'm terrible. goodnight.
oh and today was horrible. just fucking horrible. in so many ways.
this morning my parents had arguments and whatever because my mom is a bitch blah blah and my dad reacts to all of it blaaaah blah blah. i wanted to study at a coffee shop because idk i work better away from home. before they drop me off i say something offhandedly about shooting myself because my mom was really getting on my nerves. and i said something regrettable about her friend who shot himself. and then my dad said that i clearly want help and whatever and i should tell them about what i need help with. BECAUSE OF COURSE I WOULD TELL THEM ABOUT WHY I DON'T WANT TO BE ALIVE. how do i explain to them that i'm probably so mentally unstable BECAUSE of them. like maybe if i grew up in a better environment i wouldn't want to jump off of a bridge every time something bad happens. i didn't want to talk about it to them for mostly that. it's not like i'm actually going to kill myself. it's going to take a lot more to do that. but i feel like god is really pushing me and wants me to do it really bad. i might as well at this point. nothing matters. do i actually believe that?
when they dropped me off i quickly realized i didn't have my phone with me. so i couldn't call them. or anyone. because i didn't know their phone numbers or ANYONE'S phone number, so i was completely FUCKED. i walked for an hour in the cold rain, hoping i'd figure out the direction of my house in a few hours. well that didn't work. on the walk i bought a gatorade, and later went to a quicktrip and bought a ham & cheese wrap and some trail mix that i didn't eat because i couldn't open the package (waste of money). eventually i found a mcdonald's and gave up because i had no idea where i was. i hoped to use the wifi to maybe contact my parents on facebook, but the internet wasn't working and i didn't want to keep walking to eventually find a place with wifi.... i should have just stayed at that fucking cafe in the first place. anyway. i called 911 using the mcdonald's phone, and when i explained what happened i immediately started crying to the woman on the other line. some cops came and dropped me off at my house. my parents were coming home soon, how convenient. the cops told them what happened and everything, they were nice about the whole thing but i felt bad for wasting their time. my parents hugged me when they came inside. i felt miserable in every way. i'm okay now. my feet kind of hurt.
yeah so. that was my incredibly shitty day. i mean why would god have that happen to me if i didn't deserve it? i clearly deserve to have shitty things happen to me. and if that's what needs to happen then. whatever. i guess i'll suffer. man i want to cut myself again. it's the only way i feel relief. i feel like such a sack of shit. what happened today wasn't enough. god needs to do something worse. i really need it. i need something to mentally tear me to shreds so i have a GOOD reason to kill myself.
i'm listening to animal crossing. 8 pm. because it's 8 pm. i have the gaster ukagaka out just cuz. i don't know if i'm going to get this done. maybe my teacher will understand how shitty i am. maybe she'll realize i'm not good at anything and realize she hates me because everyone should hate me. because i'm terrible. goodnight.
