[once again she claps her hands like porcelain]

 i've been forgetting to make updates. stuff has happened, i just forget to write stuff down.

i changed my name AGAIN. now my name is raegan. i like it a lot, i like the spelling and that it starts with R. idk i think it looks really nice. i use to go by rey in 2020, so it's kinda like a full circle. rae. it's nice.

spring break has kind of sucked? i feel so gross and lazy, my room is so dirty, i need to clean it. and my grades SUCK, and i'm supposed to be doing a big assignment over spring break.... if i don't do my assignments i'm not going to graduate. i dont know when that's actually going to sink into my brain. but another reason that spring break has sucked is  because i'm with my mom for most of the day. she makes me feel so on edge ALL DAY. she gets mad at me for the smallest things. and she was on her period a few days ago, so it was even worse. i don't feel comfortable around her. and the other day we went out and got donuts, and she said some really terrible things on the drive there. i just cried in the car, and she didn't care at all that she was making me feel so horrible.

i'm having deja vu for some reason, my brain feels weird.

i had us go to the park, and i just went on the swings. i had a suicidal fantasy again, and it's been a long time since i'd have those. when i got back to the car she apologized for dumping her problems onto me. nothing else. she at least sounded genuine, but it's clear she doesn't think she's wrong for the other things. i just wish she cared enough about me to change herself. but she doesn't. if i was just a little more worth it, she would become a better person. but for some reason i'm not.

so many things in my life would be better if my dad divorced her, but apparently he didn't want her to leave. i don't know, love is a terrible emotion. "love".

i get so tense when i hear my mom yelling or when i leave my room, so i just stay in there for most of the day. she never apologizes, she never gets better, and she truly doesn't think she's in the wrong. i know i'm not a perfect person, i'm a piece of shit, but the way she acts is just...... no one should act like that. but she's always going to be the same.

i think i'm gonna tell my dad how i feel. it won't change anything. i don't think he likes it when i talk to him, he never seems that interested.

i left this alone for like 2 hours so idk uhhhhh i just ate some banana bread. gonna try falling asleep because i've barely been sleeping for weeks. like i'll get 5-6 hours for weeks idk?? hhh i love my new name <3

prim_the_amazing on ao3 is so so so talented you need to read her work NOW

i've been completely obsessed with disturbing vocaloid songs for weeks. it's dwindling a bit now. i'm trying to write a story because i was inspired by some songs, but i don't really know what i want to write. i've been unlocking the tainted characters in tboi, i really like them but they're all so hard to play!! and i've been playing l4d2 with my friends and playing on expert, we had some really good games last night but i think J got upset because he wasn't doing very well, he didn't say anything tho. he's been irritating me a bit lately.

that's all i can say for now, i guess.