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i was thinking about this to myself but then realized i have a journal, so i should type it all out.
i was thinking about how i am a toxic person. i'm not being self deprecating or something, it's just a fact. one of my biggest issues is how i don't care about people. i feel a lot of empathy, but when i want to be in the right, i don't consider people's feelings at all. i can't stand the idea of being wrong about ANYTHING. i could wreck someone's car, but still find a reason to say it wasn't my fault. i don't consider how unfair that is, because i'm the one being attacked in my mind. i just realized i'm like my mom. why did i have to be like my parents.
another one is my hypocrisy. i can talk about what i hate in people, like if someone is bad at taking care of themself or is rude for no reason, but then i'll do that exact thing. and i don't even think about how stupid that is. am i going to stop? no. i'm not going to stop anything i do. if i was friends with myself i would stop talking to me. i would think i'm an asshole who needs to work on themself. but i'm not going to. i see a therapist because i want to be fixed, but that's not what therapists do. they give you the tools to help yourself, but nothing can fix you. if you're broken you'll stay broken even if you try not to look broken to others. but it doesn't matter how much medication or counseling you do, all your broken parts will shine through when you're at your worst.
i don't care about anyone but me. but i don't want anyone to hate me even when i give them reasons to. if someone i loves leaves me i think i'd actually die. if he ever got sick of me i don't know what i'd do to myself. but i never tell him that because that's so horrible to say. that means that if someone has a reason to leave you they'll feel like they never can because they have to fix you. if they leave that means they failed. i wish i didn't have to be so useless, i could be a regular person and be the best person someone could be with y'know. but i can't be that and i never can. i'll always be terrible.
my mood got ruined earlier. i read about some snuff films and that kind of stuff. not good for the brain.
i was thinking about how i am a toxic person. i'm not being self deprecating or something, it's just a fact. one of my biggest issues is how i don't care about people. i feel a lot of empathy, but when i want to be in the right, i don't consider people's feelings at all. i can't stand the idea of being wrong about ANYTHING. i could wreck someone's car, but still find a reason to say it wasn't my fault. i don't consider how unfair that is, because i'm the one being attacked in my mind. i just realized i'm like my mom. why did i have to be like my parents.
another one is my hypocrisy. i can talk about what i hate in people, like if someone is bad at taking care of themself or is rude for no reason, but then i'll do that exact thing. and i don't even think about how stupid that is. am i going to stop? no. i'm not going to stop anything i do. if i was friends with myself i would stop talking to me. i would think i'm an asshole who needs to work on themself. but i'm not going to. i see a therapist because i want to be fixed, but that's not what therapists do. they give you the tools to help yourself, but nothing can fix you. if you're broken you'll stay broken even if you try not to look broken to others. but it doesn't matter how much medication or counseling you do, all your broken parts will shine through when you're at your worst.
i don't care about anyone but me. but i don't want anyone to hate me even when i give them reasons to. if someone i loves leaves me i think i'd actually die. if he ever got sick of me i don't know what i'd do to myself. but i never tell him that because that's so horrible to say. that means that if someone has a reason to leave you they'll feel like they never can because they have to fix you. if they leave that means they failed. i wish i didn't have to be so useless, i could be a regular person and be the best person someone could be with y'know. but i can't be that and i never can. i'll always be terrible.
my mood got ruined earlier. i read about some snuff films and that kind of stuff. not good for the brain.
