i've always been obsessive. i obsess over so many things. sometimes it's people. it's very rarely in a romantic way, but i'll obsess over random people. teachers have been up there, or people i want to befriend but have no courage to talk to. it's like my brain will just latch onto people and i have no control over it. i don't want to think about them. i don't tell people about it because it's weird. my friend process sucks but i can't stop doing it. how am i supposed to just go to people and TALK to them? what would i talk about? what if they think i'm being strange? i don't want them to think any of that.
y'know what i hate is advice. i hate it a lot. i bet people would tell me how i can start conversations. but i don't want anyone to tell me what i can do! it's like. i hate it because it feels like they don't understand why it's a problem. if i could solve it i would but i don't. or if i do i won't do them. i'm sick of advice. i don't want to change. i'll stay the way i am. maybe people will get sick of that. the only comfortable thing is keeping it how it is. changing feels like i'm being carved with a sharp knife into something i don't recognize. i don't know something like that.
why can't people understand how it feels. why can't he understand. no one does. i feel crazy because i can't feel normal about people when i become attached to them. and then i can detach and forget about how i felt. why is it wrong to want to feel so close to someone. i feel so alone all the time. i don't know how people have friends and i never have. it feels like every friend i have is fake. like everyone i talk to is a 2D image no matter how real their words are. the only person that feels real to me is J. he has no idea how much i feel. i wish i could take out my brain and point to all the places and show what's going on instead of TALKING ABOUT IT. i hate talking about feelings more than anything. it's like when i do my mouth feels full of something. that's how it feels when i talk sometimes. like someone else is speaking and i'm just a participant. i feel like i'm ONLY my thoughts and the real me is just a container meant to get what's required done. it's why i like being alone, i'm just my thoughts and there's no one else. i wish no one heard me but still understood everything about me so i didn't have to EXPLAIN it. it doesn't matter if i TALK about it because no one knows what i'm talking about. none of my friends or any of my stupid family members. no one knows what i'm talking about. that's why i feel alone.
is it wrong for me to like J the way i do? i don't even mean romantically. i mean what i said before, is that wrong? am i creepy? he's going to realize how i feel about him and he'll think i'm weird. and i'll be alone. i'll be alone. i'll be alone. i'll be alone. i'm alone.
y'know what i hate is advice. i hate it a lot. i bet people would tell me how i can start conversations. but i don't want anyone to tell me what i can do! it's like. i hate it because it feels like they don't understand why it's a problem. if i could solve it i would but i don't. or if i do i won't do them. i'm sick of advice. i don't want to change. i'll stay the way i am. maybe people will get sick of that. the only comfortable thing is keeping it how it is. changing feels like i'm being carved with a sharp knife into something i don't recognize. i don't know something like that.
why can't people understand how it feels. why can't he understand. no one does. i feel crazy because i can't feel normal about people when i become attached to them. and then i can detach and forget about how i felt. why is it wrong to want to feel so close to someone. i feel so alone all the time. i don't know how people have friends and i never have. it feels like every friend i have is fake. like everyone i talk to is a 2D image no matter how real their words are. the only person that feels real to me is J. he has no idea how much i feel. i wish i could take out my brain and point to all the places and show what's going on instead of TALKING ABOUT IT. i hate talking about feelings more than anything. it's like when i do my mouth feels full of something. that's how it feels when i talk sometimes. like someone else is speaking and i'm just a participant. i feel like i'm ONLY my thoughts and the real me is just a container meant to get what's required done. it's why i like being alone, i'm just my thoughts and there's no one else. i wish no one heard me but still understood everything about me so i didn't have to EXPLAIN it. it doesn't matter if i TALK about it because no one knows what i'm talking about. none of my friends or any of my stupid family members. no one knows what i'm talking about. that's why i feel alone.
is it wrong for me to like J the way i do? i don't even mean romantically. i mean what i said before, is that wrong? am i creepy? he's going to realize how i feel about him and he'll think i'm weird. and i'll be alone. i'll be alone. i'll be alone. i'll be alone. i'm alone.