what the hell

i've been VERY sick this week. i think i've had covid. i've been feeling better, but now my cough is back. it's not as bad as it was before, but still annoying, and it's hard to take a full breath. i have to yawn to force one. it's just like when i was a kid! but this sickness was just AWFUL. like seriously the worst. my last entry was before shit hit the fan. i was so fatigued and weak, it has just been agony. i really hope i haven't gotten anyone else sick, and i pray i don't get sick again in quick succession. like at least give me a month or two before i become devastated with illness again. i don't really care if i have to suffer though, i'm mostly concerned for my animals and my family, namely my little brother. i don't actually know if i had covid because we don't have any little test things (i did order some because they were completely free) but if it was covid then i just hope it doesn't cause long term effects on any of my family.

i was so upset the other day about potentially having covid that i prayed to god. like honestly, i think i'm turning to real christianity. or at least, i was because i felt actual despair, not just because of what i said before. i can't really say if i would devote myself to god. i've never been a spiritual person. i tend to turn to god in some way when i feel hopeless, and then i kind of forget about doing all of the godly things. i'm not sure god would like that if he existed.

but i felt so hopeless not just because i was so sick, but because this month has just been pretty shitty. my mom has been a nightmare. just on and off on her bullshit. i don't understand what her problem is. she got mad at me for leaving my room at one point, but i did that because i thought she'd be annoyed if i asked her to get me something, because let's be real, and she got mad because i could've gotten everyone sick. and i said if she's worried about getting people sick, maybe she should wash her hands after using the bathroom, because just DOESN'T DO THAT. i seriously don't know what the fuck is wrong with her, but she just hasn't been doing it! like, how difficult is it??? 20 seconds, it's 20 seconds!!! is that so hard? she is so pathetic. she didn't even have anything to say about it. makes me so mad, i tell her over and over, but she has the audacity to get mad at ME. 41 and can't wash her god damn hands. absolutely disgusting person. she just does so many gross things, she sickens me.

i actually had a nightmare with her in it the other day. i won't describe it all, but she basically threatened me with a knife, and then threw the knife at me (more like tossed it, but with the intention to still hit me). then my dad came home and i explained it to him, and apparently this had happened at least 3 other times before, but potentially 6 times. my dad was listening, but my mom was just denying it and acting like it wasn't a big deal. i also caught a glimpse of her room, and i won't say what i saw, it was just revolting to me. the end of the dream, i went into my brother's room (the older one, he was younger in my dream) and just kind of silently screamed in anger. that nightmare wasn't one of the worst ones i've had of my mother, i wasn't even upset when i woke up, i kind of just felt like "of course she'd pull some dumb shit like that", i think it's just because i'm so used to her doing it literally every day in my real life. and in this dream she didn't try to hurt me like in the other dreams. well, she did, but it still didn't have an effect on me because it just wasn't presented as scary enough in the dream, if that makes sense.

i made vent art that same day in relation to that. it was mostly inspired by the dream, and less because i was actually upset in the moment. i showed that vent art in a discord vent chat, a server i used to be much more active in, and this is like the second time that i've vented about something, got EXACTLY one response, before one specific person babbled about their own shit. wow so that channel is actually totally useless, i got it! guess i'll just bombard my actual friends with my negativity all the ffffucking time instead.

i think that's all. i'm still getting better, and i pray that i stay well for now at least. i'm gonna read a texas toast fic.

i ate two spicy chicken taquitos and a sprite, thx mom

the update to pressure is so scary, like the game was scary before but now it's very scary especially solo. i was trying to do lockerless earlier but i kept dying :T

i think i'm gonna play some papa's games, i feel nostalgic. i mean, i always feel like that, and it's only intensified this year, but yeaaah i wanna play it.


this post is very nothingburger

E's computer is busted so idk when he'll appear in call again :( and JO is done with christmas break so it's basically just me, J, L, and maybe M occasionally. which is good, but it's not the same w/o him :[

i've been drawing minkie a lot. i love her. byebye

AAAAHHHHH I JUST FINISHED READING THE NEW TF2 COMIC!!!! i won't get into all of it here, just know that i absolutely LOVED it so much!! like literally such a great way to end the comic. we unfortunately missed a lot of screen time for a lot of the cast, but that's to be expected lol... man i wanna play tf2 just to celebrate.

wouldn't be crazy if an update dropped soon too...? please? valve???

i've been recording audio and i'm trying to edit it (taking a break rn cuz it's hard). i was hoping to be done with it today and upload it same day but that's not gonna happen lmao.

this week has been pretty nice since my dad has been off work all week. my mom doesn't yell when my dad is around. happy times :)

this is just a short update, i could probably write more, but i'm tired... all my excitement was sapped from that amazing comic! i was watching lego ninjago last night with my friends, idk why but i really like it, makes me feel like a kid too. i like feeling like a kid.

that's kind of all.

not too much has been going on. man november really flew by. i didn't get to go to thanksgiving because all of my family got sick, but we did get some leftovers (that kind of sucked :T cuz we got them at like 11 pm and ate them the next day) but i don't care that much. hopefully we have a christmas dinner this year, and i'm not sick for that one.

speaking of christmas: does anyone remember that hellbenders animations where they celebrate christmas and sing a really good cover of silent night? i loved that shit as a kid. i really like silent night. also that one mlp episode about hearth's warming with starlight. really good songs.

played an old dating sim with my friends, pretty funny. i'm gonna play those more probably tonight lol. and playing some flipline games.

i tried doing some test recordings today, but there were so many cars going by that i had to stop... will try again probably tomorrow night.

i really wanted to eat subway tonight, but we couldn't afford that. we got taco bell instead and it was dope as shit so i'm happy :]

do i have anything else to add? idk. been playing a lot of the binding of isaac as usual. lol now i wanna play left 4 dead. okay byeee

i haven't updated since i came back from world's of fun so i'll give a QUICK recap: it was pretty fun, was reaaaally busy and most of the time was spent standing in long ass lines, and my mom ruined shit as always. that's that lol

halloween was the other day. i didn't have a costume this year, but i wore my devil hoodie so i consider that my costume. couldn't do any trick or treating because i had no one to go with :[

my costumes each year have been

• 2021: hunter l4d
• 2022: the riddler (2022 batman)
• 2023: heather mason
• 2024: devil ig...

i don't have pictures of 2022 or this year but yeah. i drove around with my family to look at the decorations but we really didn't look at the houses too much, especially since there were a lot of people. i also watched scream with my friends earlier that day (most of my friends had stuff later that night so it had to be midday), then the next day we watched the shining because i wanted to have a halloween II. it was pretty good, but it really dragged in a lot of scenes. cool we could watch a classic tho.

i played some regretevator today, my hands hurt :T i really need to make that denji drawing for J. i've been using csp instead of sai and it's a lot better and not as complicated as i assumed. i want to start making music, i drove around today because it was raining and got starbucks, that was pretty nice especially because there was no fighting. and driving around made me think of making music, so maybe i'll try downloading FL studio..

i'm listening to the great below because i wanted to show my friends the song (because J was mentioning that he listens to sad songs when he's sad), but i'm gonna put a different song as the music i'm listening to rn because i WAS listening to that song before. lol

pfppfppf i tried a new artsyle i think that i like. maybe it'll help me draw more frequently.

i ate breakfast today with my grandpa and aunt :3 my other aunt was supposed to be there (she was the reason we did it today instead of thursday) but she had conferences AND a funeral apparently

we ate at cracker barrel, which was pretty good, i haven't been there in a loooong time. i got cheesecake filled pancakes w/ some eggs and bacon. it was a little too much but i got it in the fridge for later OuO and i got an arnold palmer cuz i really like them all of a sudden. i blame getting one from that cafe i mentioned last time.

we were there for like an hour and a half but it felt like we barely got to talk :< still it was nice. i got some chocolate hello panda and a shirley temple. on the trip home i told my grandpa a little bit about how home has been. he seems pretty understanding on how stuff can be hard at home.

dinner was pretty good. i'm writing some stuff right now, might draw later? man i really want another arnold palmer...

i've been pretty sleepy lately. i slept through almost the entire day yesterday eeeeee. i just haven't been doing a lot in general.

i guess i've been drawing, i plan on doing goretober prompts but i'm not really good at doing art when i feel like there's a deadline... i'm thinking of doing a bunch of doodles in bunches or something? i think it'll be a fun exercise, try going out of my comfort zone or something. i'm still drawing that thing for J also, just taking it slow. (not doing a speedpaint anymore tho)

uhhh i was supposed to shower today, but i realized that i don't think we have towels or underwear, so i'm just gonna do it tomorrow. i did brush my teeth at least.

i've been watching ii with my friends :3 i think they like it or at least they haven't voiced dislike towards it. also watching soul eater with J :D i never did finish the series. also the new madcom came out, was pretty cool! dunno what happened to sanford hope my man's okay.

idk if i have more updates. we didn't have that bonfire :< i hope we have one soon! i want s'mores and hotdogs!! grilled ones specifically, hotdogs are only good grilled. i still need to get a state ID, but it's so difficult to figure out how i'm supposed to... but i have to register to vote...

i kinda want to write stuff about my ocs or something. i'm making playlists for them that's how bad the hyperfixation is T-T i like my characters... maybe i will write for them, but it's hard putting all the stuff together.

my mom made some chicken noodle stuff, it was pretty good. i've been pretty hungry lately. ALSO i've been having so many headaches, they've been okay these past couple days but like... man. i think it's cuz i don't drink enough water, so i've been doing that kiiiind of. erhghh

hmmm i think that's all? i'm probably gonna vc with my friends soon, idk what we'll do. i'm still hungry.

i'm day drinking because i felt depressed. still do. i just got randomly sad after watching a jacksepticeye video and it's been downhill. i tried submitting another job application but i "failed the assessment", so fuckin stupid.

we can't go see mother mother this month, but we still plan on going to world's of fun next month. i'm kind of glad we can't go, that means we'll have more money when we go back to kansas city. speaking of that, we went there last week....

my mom made that trip a LIVING HELL. i'm not exaggerating, she was horrible the entire. fucking. time. she's never been so horrible on a trip before. it wasn't all terrible, we had some good food, i remember eating at this really good pizza place, then i accidentally got stoned bc i was stressed out. and while i was stoned, my parents had to switch seats because my dad got one of his migraines where he goes blind for a little while, and my mom was acting all scared driving so it freaked me out because i didn't know what was going on and thought we were gonna die. we made it to the airbnb safe and sound tho. thanks mom for making me TWEAK harder than before. my dad got a migraine in the first place because of stress, and i felt terrible for arguing with my mom because it caused that to happen. i care about my dad a lot, i wish my mom did too.

we went to sea life + lego land and it was pretty cute, but it mostly appealed to kids so i couldn't really get into it. also i bought $5 nachos from legoland and they were like gas station quality. they were TERRIBLE. after we left that place that's when my mom started the whole shit show for the day and after that. when we went home, my feet and legs were super sore, and i had a bunch of blisters on both of my feet! i think it was definitely made worse by the shoes i was wearing. i'm gonna have to wear better shoes when we go to world's of fun.

i feel like the only reason i'm alive is because my daydreams and my friends make me happy, and drawing i guess. and then i treat my friends terribly, one day they'll get tired and leave me, i don't know what i'll do when that happens. why am i even alive at all. all i do is hurt people and hurt myself and waste everyone's time, and i should just die. i wish i'd just die.

nikocado avocado is insane dude he was the mastermind like in fucking danganronpa.

i haven't written for all of august. just gonna do a little venting and stuff since not much has been going on.

my mom is always yelling at my brother. it's like she's always just in a bad mood, and makes me feel like shit even if she's not talking to me. and when she does talk to me, sometimes she's fine, or sometimes she'll be moody and just say rude things for no reason. like get mad at me for having the light on in the kitchen when i'm trying to get some food, even tho she chooses to sleep on the couch.

whenever she yells, it triggers me a bit and puts me on edge. weeks ago, i had a nightmare where my mom was yelling and threatening me, and when i woke up my mom tried talking to me and i had to leave the room because i felt terrible, and i cried a little alone. she would probably feel bad if she knew that, but would she do anything to stop the feelings? no. why would she. but yeah, i usually stay in my room and do nothing but stay on my computer and sleep. i don't clean, barely shower or brush my teeth, or change my clothes, and i don't have a job. if i killed myself i don't think anything would happen. especially since the future is so uncertain. i'm just depressing myself because i've been awake since 5 am, but it's hard to fall asleep especially when i feel on edge.

i wish i had any motivation or energy to do anything. it's like for EVERYONE else it's so easy to just get things done, but when i want to be clean or change things in my life, it's like i'm being strapped to a table and dissected. everything just sucks. i hate myself.

we're gonna go see the mother mother concert 1 month from today, and then in october go to world's of fun. yay. i'm excited, but i don't deserve it in the first place, so i have no reason to be happy about it. i'm just leeching off of my family, using their funds to have a good time. how can i be such a complete waste of space?

sometimes i wish i could cut myself again so i could stop feeling upset. i'm not suicidal, it just makes me feel better. i miss bleeding.

i have a headache.

it's been a while.

i probably shouldn't have this be public because there's so much personal garbage on here HAHAHAH

it's been almost 2 months since i graduated high school. since my last day was the 10th. i've been rotting in my bedroom a good 85% of the days. i cried once i held my diploma, they said my name wrong but i didn't care. i had my keroppi socks on. it was so cool. then i ate dinner at a nice restaurant with my family. had my graduation party that weekend, it was really cool except my brother was there and no one told me he would be. anyway i had a cake that had triple baka on it because i'm on some spectrum. i got a keroppi backpack (it's not good functionally, but it's cute anyway) and 2 miku figures from my parents, also some fnaf socks because they were at hot topic?? everyone else gave me money and i got like around $500!! i've spent most of it by now, i have a little over $70 left. then my mom bought me some pink whitney and i got blackout drunk, woke up in a shirt but no underwear and my parents said there was a lot of water in the bathroom. don't even know what happened there lol but i had a great time.

there's a little recap. i haven't been doing much else. mostly talking to friends on discord. R left me on read for a week but replied to day saying she forgot, so we're gonna go to the pool on thursday. it'll be nice to see her since i haven't since graduation. M might be there too but idk about their schedule.

i've sort of tried job hunting, but it's hard to find jobs that are a) not food related & b) reply back to my resume. i'm definitely going to get a job by august, i think if i try finding one during school season it'll be easier because more people will be in school, so i can find more positions? i'm taking a gap year (maybe more than a year) so i can not think about school or a career for a while. i think i'm gonna go into journalism, i wanted to be a choir teacher but i don't think i can do it. so yeah. i hate thinking about all that stuff. but i definitely need money, so i can buy my own things and not feel like a freeloader. get a car, and help my parents move in the next year or two.

i got really into undertale lately, i blame handplates. i've been obsessed with handplates and undertale for like a week. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. they're so good. i need more art of handplates and papyrus and flowey, please..... i've been listening to ghost and stuff extended by deadmau5 on REPEAT i dont know why. i've been downloading a bunch of songs so i can eventually burn them on CDs????? idk why i just wanna be 2000s brother!! ahhhhh

okay bye bye